I JUST GOT MY FIRST LUMP-FREE (LUMPLESS? DE-LUMPED?) HAIRCUT!

Behold my newfound normalness!

Today in Stupid

Guess who—after eagerly waiting six months to finally have two big ugly pilar cysts removed from his head—initially went to the wrong doctor’s office this afternoon and had to race across town to get to the right one in time for his appointment?

THIS NO-LONGER-LUMPY GUY!

There were never such devoted cysters

I know two of the (currently four) lumpy little (fatty, non-cancerous) pilar cysts on the back of my head had grown significantly bigger over the last year, and I finally had my mom take a picture of them for me because I somehow was unable to take a decent selfie of the back of my head and anyway HOLY CRAP HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME HOW HORRIFYING THEY LOOKED? I’m so sorry for scarring all your retinas with their alarming hideousness, but I’m pleased to announce that they’re finally meeting their oozy, squishy, gross demise today at 2:30. (But don’t think the terror is over; there are two left, and I’ve had four removed to date ... and the damn things keep sprouting up. So my disfigurement is more of a journey than a destination.)

Anyway, I’m providing some helpful disguise options for the current enlarged ones to protect you until they’re safely dead and gone. You’re welcome.

I'll take my lumps

Max: Why do you have those lumps on your head?

Me: Because I have these lumps on my head.

Max (whispering): Because you’re weird.