Here are two pieces of furniture that I’ve Liquid Golded to a brutal sheen and pushed back to their expertly trimmed baseboards and rich-people-blue walls

But I can't decide if the Dr. Seuss art is whimsically ironic or cluelessly age-inappropriate for a man in his dotage. The panels would fit perfectly between the mirror and the soffit (with some AP Geometry measuring to make sure they’re centered and even and level) and I have nothing else I could put there. I AM SO TORN.

Back at the doctor for another attempt to figure out what the hell is wrong with my stupid head

While I’m waiting and the pain is throbbing and my eyes are crossing and my ears are screaming, help me figure out this shirt. Age appropriate? On trend? Flattering colorways? Chick magnet? I’m totally lost in this quest.

I’m sorry ...

but they smelled the best of all the brands and all the scent options at Target and I refuse to apologize for using age- and demographic-inappropriate products to smell irresistibly delicious.

Oh, wait. I might have prefaced that with an apology. Don’t scroll up to check.

Hi, Jake

My name’s Jake, I’m 49, and I wear Abercrombie & Fitch without express written permission from the Gurl You’re Too Old For That Council.

Plus there were too many judgey people in the gym this morning for me to take a proper Thankfully Productive Arm Day selfie so I had to use a mirror I found in a tanning room.