PRO TIP:

When you wear your scowly face T-shirt to the gym, it does the metaphorical heavy lifting for you so you can maintain your usually sunny/quirky/goofy face no matter how hard you work out.

Assuming you actually put down your damn phone and actually damn work out.

I'm dilated to meet you

PRO TIP: Never get your eyes dilated on a sunny day with snow on every surface of the world that reflects the sun's rays from every direction like white-hot lasers burning holes in your unprotected retinas.

If you're dumb enough to not heed my warning, at least bring some decent--REAL--sunglasses to wear home.

So apparently I’ve consistently been pretty naked on stage every January since time immemorial

because Facebook just gave me THIS memory from seven years ago when I tapped to “Rubber Ducky” in a flesh-colored speedo covered in soap-suds-colored tulle with a bunch of equally almost-naked tappers wearing rubber-duckie butts:

Pro tip: Never tap in the presence of bubbles ... unless you want to put yourself at risk for slipping during your Maxie Fords, breaking every bone in your body and ending up in the ER wearing nothing but soap-suds-colored tulle.