White Christmas is the dumbest, plot-hole-iest, staggeringly-implausible-storyline-iest movie ever made--and I adore every second of it

I used to host a party every year in Chicago and invite only the friends I knew were able to shut up for 120 minutes so we could all enjoy its ridiculous awesomeness together in peace. And then I usually watched it again on my own. And maybe one more time. But now my DVD is buried in a box in my storage unit, and I’m not able to see any of the big-screen showings this month so I'm just gonna mock it here. Lovingly, of course.

So let's get started ...

First of all, it drives me NUTS that Rosemary Clooney runs (well, clomps in four-inch stilettos) away from Bing Crosby in a self-righteous fit over a laughably stupid misunderstanding that she could easily clear up with a simple question and then boards a train with a little satchel in which she's packed all her clothes, wigs, makeup, gowns, those white sequined oven mitts she wears in "Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me" plus four of the Vermont dancer boys. And then she happily--yes: happily, despite the loathing she had for Bing's appearance on TV that was so toxic it prompted her to sneak away from Vermont in secret--watches Bing's appearance on TV, suddenly has a mis-misunderstanding revelation, sneaks back to Vermont in the dead of night with her sensible orthopedic Army-issue oxfords in tow and somehow absorbs all the "Gee, I Wish I Was Back in the Army" choreography out of thin air from some secret backstage rehearsal room in that drafty barn that apparently a cast of 1,000 people had mysteriously never even known about because she surprised the hell out of all of them when she suddenly appeared onstage in the middle of the number with the woman who was presumably going to replace her tied up and gagged in a corner by the flylines.

But those gowns!

And don't get me started on that stupid "Sisters" number--it sure gets a LOT of mileage in the Haynes' sisters' apparently only-one-song act despite having only one verse and an enormous dance break where Rosemary and Vera basically just stand on stage and smile dewily at Bing and Doofusface while presumably the rest of the audiences watches and thinks they're being somehow entertained by all that standing around. AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT "SNOW" SONG? "I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow"? SERIOUSLY?

But those gowns!

And Bing Crosby sings “Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep” after chugging a quart of buttermilk and Rosemary Clooney’s and Vera-Ellen’s “ugly” brother is actually totally cute when they show Bing and Doofusface his picture and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT “MR. BONES” SONG?

But those gowns!

And then Vera-Ellen--who does the entire movie in funnel-collared outfits tailored to hide whatever the hell is wrong with her neck--descends from the sky in her tearaway Ostrich Barbie outfit and executes some wicked nerve taps WITHOUT EVEN WEARING TAPS.

But those gowns!

And the general is clearly on a laudanum binge in the attic of his hotel-theater as he somehow doesn't notice that every U.S. war soldier past, present and future is swarming all over the entire property and filling every hotel room not already taken by the swarm of singers, dancers, directors, and costume and tech crew members, and when they all finally surprise him with their--frankly underwhelming--show, they seat him at the table of honor behind a three-foot-tall cake that completely blocks his view of the--frankly underwhelming--show that they put together ESPECIALLY FOR HIM TO SEE.

But those gowns!