Dear Michael Duvall,

You're one kind of douchebag for cheating on your wife, defiling your "sacred" marriage vows and being a fucking hypocrite about your bullshit "family values."

But you're a whole new level of douchebag—the kind that goes way deep into places nobody ever wants to think about—for bragging so cavalierly about the women nobody really believes you have the actual capabilities to screw.

Oh ... and you're just a plain-old douche for being too retarded to know how a microphone works.

And your resignation? Though it's the only smart choice you made in this epic fuckup, it just shows the world that douchebag is exponentially too polite a word for you. I quote: “I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work."

We're not as stupid as you are, Michael. We all see very clearly the subtext left swirling around in the gaping hole in your words. Allow me to translate:

"I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly. I am not, however, deeply saddened by any harm or humiliation or devastation or medical danger my actions have caused my family. You can tell because I didn't say I was saddened by the effects of my actions. I mentioned only my comments. Because I am an arrogant piece-of-shit scabby-whore douchebag. And those sexual things I said I did to those women? You and I both know I'm way too old and unattractive for any of that to be true. So I'm basically losing my job and my family over nothing."

It's because of the words and the actions of bullshit "family values" douchebags like you, Michael, that I will never ever be polite or kind or respectful or understanding to anyone who says or does anything to perpetuate the myth that my family is not worthy of the rights and the protections that yours enjoys. The rights and the protections whose mouths you just pried open and shit into. I hope the pain and humiliation you feel—or at least should feel—right now never go away.