Thursday, April 27, 2006

CSI Episode Requirements

CSIs may wear hazmat suits and other protective clothing while processing an area that’s potentially contaminated and/or lethal, but only if it looks sexy.

CSIs must never wear hairnets or any other garments that would look unflattering or help prevent the personal contamination of a crime scene.

The more gruesome the crime scene, the more light-colored cashmere the CSIs must be wearing to process it.

The uglier the victim, the more we have to see him or her naked.

Female victims of violent crimes must look as though they applied their own fake blood and bruises with rouge and eyeshadow so as not to undermine the beauty that got them cast in the first place.

In the moments before he is murdered, the victim must be visited by at least three separate people in rapid succession who don’t know each other but who coincidentally all have reason to kill him.

The murderer must either pass in front of the camera in the opening 10 minutes of an episode or be the last possible suspect the CSIs can think of.

Every suspect brought in for questioning must have watched enough cop shows on TV to know that he or she is free to walk out at any moment—but only after making a dramatic statement or sassy threat.

At least one potential suspect—preferably a close relative—must show cool indifference over the victim’s death.

If at all possible, murderers and suspects must be played by actors who will eventually appear on Desperate Housewives.

CSIs must know vast amounts of arcane information on entomology, satellite technology, obscure scientific disciplines and esoteric forms of popular entertainment, yet they are required to explain basic tenets of forensic science (“pooling blood always follows gravity”) to each other.

Lab results must first be given in highly scientific terms (“polyfartypoopoochloride”) so they may be helpfully translated into laymen’s terms (“typing paper”) by knowledgeable CSIs.

Every episode must contain at least two of the following words: exsanguination, petechial hemorrhaging, through and through, the vic, alleles, CODIS, Jake and Nick/Eric/Danny really make a cute couple.

CSI labs, morgues and gun vaults must have more indirect lighting and funky ambiance than a trendy nightclub.

CSIs must have beautiful bodies and fabulous hair and wear tight-fitting couture, yet they must never earn the salaries required to afford their wardrobes and they must never be given the personal time necessary to work out or shop.

If a CSI suffers some physical or emotional trauma on the job, he must stubbornly refuse to seek the required treatment until Something Bad Happens to make him reconsider his obstinance.

If the sister or girlfriend of a CSI is dying of cancer, it must be the kind of cancer that makes her more and more beautiful as it progresses.

There is a mole in the CSI: Miami lab. They’re gonna tell you about it in every episode, but they’re never gonna give you any useful hints beyond that. So stop trying to guess who it is.

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